First Impressions: Thief

Right then so WASD is to move, fair enough. Shift to run? Great. Control to... walk slower? Not my first choice but fine. C to crouch? Ahh, I get it, might change it, but I get it. Oh, and space to jump, makes sense. Let me just test that and... nothing. OK then, let me just check options and... space to jump, climb and swoop. So this should work, *space*... nope, nothing. I'll just ignore that then and progress further on in the story.


Oh a cup that is conveniently glowing like it wants me to pick it up! How convenient! I'll just grab that then. Oooh, some nice leather bound books, they look expensive, I'll just steal them (I am a thief, after all) and, nothing. OK then, what about these, again conveniently glowing, scissors? Yep, I can pick them up (doubt they'll be worth as much as those books but, oh well). What about the drunk man on the bed? Can I pickpocket him... nope. Can he notice me? Not a chance. Right then, I'll just walk over to the window and... Oh I can climb it! Can I climb anything else? Nope. Oh, well.

Right, I'm on a balcony with a wooden beam above me and, magically, I've now got a rope bow gun thing. Convenient. I'll just shoot that up there and... good, that worked. Now just to jump onto it and... look at that, I can jump! *Goes back inside to see if it works* But... only in this specific place. Great.

Now, I've met another character, a woman with some backstory to tell. And, she's not talking. Her lips are moving but... ahh, lag, great. Textures are already so-so but I'll just turn them down and... still lag. Oh well, time for some parkour. Run, run, run, crouch (with hands out for some reason, balance or something perhaps), and jump... nope, just stop by the gap. Let's try that again. Run, run, run and jump. Nope. One last time and... there you go!

Now just to get past those guards (who, magically, can't see me when I'm in shade). Inch forward and peak round a corner. They can't see me. Crouch into the light and, CHAPTER FAILED! Wait, what? I'll just reload the save and try that again. Inch into the light and CHAPTER FAILED! Seriously, as soon as I step out, they can see me? OK. Inch round, hugging the wall, and attempt to follow the game's crazy line of sight... OK, now I'm there. Climb up the ladder and, I've magically got a close quarter's weapon! Quick look at the tips and I find out it can be used to knock out guards (remember this fact, it's important for later). I can also use it to knock down a pully in order to get me out of there.

Right, now, more guards. I'll just follow the game's logic again and CHAPTER FAILED! Come on, give me a chance to get away! The guard only said that he thought he heard something! Anyway, reload the save and, I'm somehow on the other side of the courtyard I was trying to cross! For once the game worked in my favor! Now just to cross this river, slowly, and not alert the sneezing guard with his back to me. Step forward and, SPLASH! And yet the guard doesn't turn around. I edge forwards and try to grab some coins in front of me... CHAPTER FAILED! Oh, come on!!!! That was quieter than the splash! Let's try knocking him out. I walk forward and hide behind him. I get out of my crouching position and press 'R'. Nothing. One quick check of the options menu confirms my fears. For some reason I can't use my weapon! I step backwards and, ignoring the coins, try to cross the river. CHAPTER FAILED! OK, that's it! I quit!!!!

Goodbye for now, Harry